May 9, 2011

“Freaking Out” comes in waves. Big, nasty, sweep you out to sea, waves. For the most part I am calm and collected as I choose to toss yet another memory place holder on to the Goodwill pile. I hold it, smell it, sometimes shed a tear or two. But the promise of less stuff, a new beginning, a sense of surrender to the matters that truly matter now keeps me focused.

Every now and then I must admit I lose control. My seasoned composure doesn’t even make the donation pile. It flies all around the room, bouncing off every wall and coming back to smack me upside the head. What the fuck am I doing? I hate change…Change in my life has often represented really bad stuff…someone dies, or tries to. Families fall apart, people leave and don’t come back…footings fail, roofs cave in, foul and destructive human beings run for public office and WIN.

When the wave subsides, I catch my breath and return to the business at hand. Slipping from one major chapter into another isn’t easy. Leaving behind ghosts of a family growing up under one roof, grandparents who were independent and had life force enough to spare; trees planted that have now come to be giants in all seasons; roots of all kinds that made me feel like I belonged here…all pieces of the previous chapter.

AND YET…standing at cross roads a choice eventually has to be made. I am confident that forward is the only option. Holding still never really gets you where you want to go. Indeed, it is less work, by far. Less dangerous, less challenging, less emotional…less, less, less.

I want more.

I want to have the time to do more for others. I want to be present for a granddaughter in the making. I want to create good will in a new community. I want to live with less and experience more.

8 Responses to “GOOD WILL”

  1. Amy Wise Says:

    To a new chapter, to a new beginning, to more love, to more time, to new babies, to new neighbors, to “new” houses, to new dreams… NEW!!! It’s going to be soooo amazing! Oh ya…one more thing…to a pot of tomatoes on the front porch. =)

  2. Amy Ferris Says:

    holy shit woman. you are PERFECTION. PURE PERFECTION. you are MORE than any of us could have ever asked for.
    i love you.

  3. “Holding still never really gets you where you want to go.” I love your words here. I left my beloved and I mean beloved divorced daughter, mother of two small little girls and moved from NY to WW. THE lump in my throat right now recalls the pain that both she and I experienced. Sometimes I even question WHY I did it, how I had the courage to make the change. I didn’t do it for my spouse although his career path was opening in a new direction here that was a wonderful transition for both of us. It was time for me to leave the East Coast, time to leave the executive position that was nice, paid well, but wasn’t necessarily very fulfilling. It was time for me to (in the words of a sermon I heard yesterday – to crack open and let in the new, let in the light, the life). I still miss my daughter and the girls desperately. We speak several times a week and almost read each other’s minds – oh why do I write this – it makes me so lonesome for her. And YET, and YET, I know this was my time to fly. My time to find out if I was really the person I longed to be – the artist, the woman who dares, the woman who stretches intention and becomes the vision of her youth.
    It ain’t easy!!! But man oh man – I’ve met you now – you ARE a mover in every way – being pushed to the edge – you are flying!!!! xoxox

  4. Madge Woods Says:

    Wishing you all great things.

  5. Molly Says:

    Once again my beloved friend, you shine a bright light for us all on that which matters – how to leave behind what no longer serves us, and move toward the light…. with lighter loads to carry. Thank you for always sharing your wisdom and authentic self with the world.

  6. the husband Says:

    hello my sweetheart. i am sorry this transition is so difficult. i know there are things you are feeling that you haven’t said because you don’t want to give in to the fear of the unknown. just think of all the terribly difficult things we have made right together. this change is just one more of those. we will make it right. love you darling.

  7. Jean H Says:

    Thank you. I, too, am in the midst of a change and the waves sometimes feel overwhelming! Thank you for the “AND YET” reminders. They are also a part of my journey. Here’s to change…

  8. hannahkozak Says:

    “Less dangerous, less challenging, less emotional…less, less, less. I want more.” Living with less to experience more seems to be the answer. Doing more for others is one of the sutras of the Aquarian Age. Reading this is a beautiful way to start my day. I’m so grateful to have found you. Beautiful. Thank you.

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