My Private Tony Award

December 31, 2010

who among us doesn’t have a story…one we tell others and one we tell ourselves. There isn’t a person, given enough time, that can’t teach us a thing or two about overcoming adversity, fear and insurmountable challenge. It always makes me feel like a small part of something so powerful when someone confides in me what they have had to do to wake up and face yet another new and often impossible day. The experiences each of us goes through contributes to the depth and richness of our lives. It is the things we face, the heartaches we bear that do in fact make us stronger and our lives richer…eventually.  If we manage to survive what often times feels like un-survivable, we have stories to tell that prove the notion that we are each stronger than we think we are.

then there are the secret…dirty little secret…stories we tell ourselves. the theater is dark, the stage is empty and yet we execute an entire drama inside our heads; stories of self loathing, stories of inadequacies, stories of worthlessness. I have one…over and over again I see it and hear it and it tells me that I have never been, nor will I ever be successful at anything. depending on my circumstances, levels of depression, lack of self-confidence the story can render me helpless. My story of inadequacy, as ridiculous as it may seem to others, makes perfect sense to me. I know it, I have cultivated it and shaped it for years and years…It is my story and I am sticking with it (no matter how much therapy there is).

yet the “stories” that others live by, listen to and believe are so completely ridiculous to me. how many amazing writers among us, wake up each day and feel that today is the day they will be discovered for the fraud they know themselves to be. or how many gorgeous young women spend day in and day out comparing themselves to any number of photo-shopped images and find that they are disgusting by comparison. how many young devoted mothers tell themselves every minute of every day that they are doomed to be the same kind of distant, unfeeling parent who raised them. how many men live day in and day out with feelings of inadequacy around what they can provide and how they can compete; young teens who beat themselves up on a regular basis because they are different from the norm.

what is it about the negative thoughts that claim the lion’s share of our thinking brain cells? why does one or two or even ten disparaging remarks/thoughts carry so much more weight than the thousands of uplifting ones we are likely to hear in a life time.

I am voting that the mantra for 2011 be… I AM ENOUGH. How about that for story…how about that replacing the countless hours of self doubt; the wasted comparisons to those who look like they have it all…because I know those people, and the stories they tell themselves are the same ones you tell yourself and I tell myself. the secret dark theater thoughts where the story comes alive and is real enough and vivid enough that the Tony Awards should have a category for performances such as these. those people, the ones who must be so very confident,  are looking at you and thinking that you’re the one who must have it all together.

each of us deserves a break from self-imposed suffering. we do.

I know you, I read your brilliant thoughts; I am humbled by your beauty; in awe of your unlimited capacity for love, creativity and stunning accomplishments. You are more than enough. And the deal is if you don’t know and live as if you are, you confirm the shameful story I tell myself. Because I watch you, am inspired by you and follow the examples I trust you to create.

You are enough, and I hope to be just like you someday.

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15 Responses to “My Private Tony Award”

  1. jean gale Says:

    I love it – “I AM ENOUGH”………& so are you. Thank you one more time & happy new year.
    Love,
    Jean

  2. Madge Woods Says:

    Wonderfully said. Happy Happy. SO glad you are my friend through FB.

  3. Molly Says:

    My brilliant friend… thank you for shining a light on all of our paths. You are beyond enough!

  4. Jade Says:

    You are a light and inspiration to all whose lives you touch…including mine! Thank you for loving and inspiring me, momma V…I can barely contain my excitement at reuniting with my beautiful second family in a month! Happy New Year!!! 🙂

  5. amy ferris Says:

    i love you.
    so very much.

    so very much.

  6. Elizabeth Geitz Says:

    YES! You are enough! You are beloved! You are precious! Thank you for being courageously YOU in all your beauty and wisdom.

  7. heidi Says:

    Thank you for the reminder you lovely woman you!

  8. Anna Says:

    Kristine,

    THIS should be the keynote address at the Womens’ Retreat next year.
    BULL’S-EYE!

    oxoxoxoxox

  9. Carol Bernal Says:

    1,1,11

    The Year’s Performance ended,
    The curtain’s nearly drawn
    I stand upon the stage alone
    And wait the brilliant dawn.
    I wait, and think of you my friends
    When reaching for a hand,
    You sought and grasped my trembling self
    And helped me take a stand.
    A stand for all I have become
    And all I’m yet to be
    A stand that in my solitude,
    your freindship lives with me.
    I am so humbly grateful
    For the love that you’ve outpoured
    For the times I must have slighted you-
    For never keeping score.
    I applaud you in the audience who
    viewed my life’s grand play
    You so much are a part of it-
    The Black/The White/ The Gray
    The year’s performance ended
    The curtain nearly drawn
    I stand upon the stage with you
    And await the brilliant dawn.

  10. Trudy Says:

    You continue to be such an inspiration to all the women who are blessed to know and love you. Thank you!


  11. You are gorgeous…inside and out. Gorgeous.
    I am so blessed to call you my friend.
    and yes, I have taken my place on that darkened stage so many times, and I too feel like I have failed fantastically at everything I’ve ever done…
    But hell, we’re still here, and the curtains not down yet. And we can hold hands.
    Love you Kristine.


  12. Well I came here to read todays’ post and was luckily captivated by the first words of this one. Enough, absolutely, with every fiber, cell, and thought that makes up your being. Enoughness is a concept I learned from Jen Louden. You have moved me with your thoughts on it.
    You have shared so much with us all this year–even though I’m new to the tribe I have caught up and feel blessed to share you.
    Thank you for your inner most thoughts. These are the portals to connection the world so desperately needs.

  13. Lisa Kaser Says:

    Very beautiful composition of words and thoughts regarding a subject that most can relate to. The simplicity of, ‘you are enough’ is wonderful. Powerful reminder to honor ourselves wherever we are in the process of living and learning. Bravo to a great piece! xo

  14. angela Says:

    it seems that no matter how much I accomplish, or how much I do for others, the voice inside my heads says that it is not enough…I am not enough. What will it take for me to hear a different message?

  15. darlene ray Says:

    wow, bingo…didn’t know this was a common occurrence. Thought maybe it was my own private insanity.


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